With election results unknown at the time of this writing, nevertheless a new movement is already in and against progress. Forget the Tea Party. Old news. Now extending the far, far right absolutely positively right, right-wing American Revolution is the E Party. Its mission: Eliminate government.
According to the E Party, all government buildings — federal, state, local — should be converted to historic and hysteric museums: no free admission.
The president should preside (and reside) only in the White House within the District of Columbia. Governors should likewise govern their own mansions. Mayors may or may not, nobody cares.
Federal and state senators and representatives and city councilors will be limited to organizing fun fund-raising events to pay for rebuilding roads, bridges and subway tunnels.
Repurpose the United States Supreme Court justices as co-hosts of a new "Judge Judy" TV game show.
Yes, bring home the military from foreign wars and redeploy them on our own borders (except for Hawaii and Alaska, which would revert to independent countries of their own). Police, firefighters, emergency workers will become principals of for-profit enterprises for-hire. Police the most valuable properties. As for suburbs of declining value: Burn, baby, burn! Citizens can police themselves with discount AK-47s, no gun control. Wave goodbye to immigrants.
Eliminate Welfare along with subsidies of anything and everything. Choosers can’t be beggars. Study subsequent starvation rates and compare to Third World countries (that will remain the whole world leaders on empty stomachs). Invite and enlist Julie Andrews to feed the birds.
Eliminate public education. Utilize U.S. Treasury resources to buy every kid an iPad or iPod or whatever, plus tech support. Let them play games and teach themselves. Send teachers to China as sales representatives.
Eliminate Social Security, Medicare, life insurance, retirement homes. Introduce a senior citizens’ lottery for food stamps. Raise the retirement age to 85.
Extinguish FEMA. No bailouts after Hurricane Sandy; let the Big Apple stay underwater physically and financially a while. Move Wall Street to Texas.
Give real real-estate back to the banks, but stop them from making loans to the un-rich.
Strengthen voter fraud. Reserve “free” elections for officials of local fraternal buddy-to-buddy nonprofit organizations.
At last, the E Party will return us to the essence of what they believe it means to be a United States of American. And that is: Get rich, or die tryin.’
When the E Party assumes power, across the country there will be a widespread upsurge of yard sales. For those very few with lots and lots of money in their pockets, none will be legally required to go the whole nine yards. No problem.
When the E Party eliminates government itself, let the poor fend and fund for themselves.
And of course, we will always have the Declaration of Independence for each and every individual, under God, with liberty and justice for all… or some, anyway.
Fritz Lyon is a writer and professional public relations pundit residing in Belfast.