Gaga guns

By Fritz Lyon | Jan 08, 2013

After recent mass murders in a movie theater and an elementary school, there were left-wing liberal cries for new, more restrictive gun regulations that might perhaps hopefully prevent at least some such horrific incidents one day.

Then there was a backlash from those who courageously and vociferously disputed that so-called opinion. Along with organizations such as ANGRRnow (America Needs Gunowner Rifle Rights NOW), protesters promoted an agenda of proposals completely opposite from those of gun regulation proponents.

Their solution: more, not fewer, guns. There are not too many assault weapons: not nearly enough. “More armed security in schools” would only be a first baby-step.

Improving employment prospects for military veterans, new requirements for teachers would include two years of armed services experience, preferably in combat zones. Instead of just the traditional “playing guns,” students could study target practice in the gym and learn to guard their lockers and bathrooms.

Fifty cents added to each movie ticket would provide the cost of gun rentals for each member of the audience (though bullets would be an additional charge). Keeping down the noise of popcorn popping at the concession stand during a scary movie would be recommended.

Guns should be sold by (and carried within) retail stores all around town in plain sight. Keep guns in the faces of those who might dream of shooting others. Everywhere you go, there should be guns within easy reach, not only for you, but for anyone else who might disagree with your point of view.

Secret weapons should not be limited to secret agents with the government. Politicians must also have direct access to concealed handguns in order to threaten and bludgeon their opponents into compromise.

In some cases guns might be prohibited in church, though armed guards might be deployed on the outside to make sure infidel assassins go somewhere else to express themselves.

It is guns that make us safe. That’s their premise. So rather than prohibit gun ownership for some, it would keep us safer to have everybody toting their own guns around while warning others to stay away.

Individuals should have free choice over whatever type of pistol, rifle or machine gun they might prefer, perhaps in consideration of what kind of situation or incident might occur and what kind of reaction that might compel. Should one defend oneself, or should one go on the attack? Apparently, it depends.

Should guns be an individual’s only means of defense (or attack)? Of course not, some may argue. Everyday Americans should have the rights and means to acquire loud emergency sirens, AK-47s, hand grenades, tanks, torpedoes, drones and bombers in the interest of keeping grade schools and movie houses safe and serene.

However, in certain cases guns may be checked and held in check at the door of grocery and hardware stores, restaurants, sports stadiums, casinos, houses of ill repute, funeral homes, laundromats etc..

Other related products and services could also trigger an economic boom. Both children and adults might shop among body armor clothing lines and bulletproof head box helmets with computerized eyes, ears, nose and throat. Swimwear is another matter, however, and beachfront activities may need to undergo further investigation.

With a surge in gun sales, gun taxes will pay for all of these social strategies, although weapon upgrades might likewise be encouraged by corresponding tax deductions.

And even if there is some increase in gun violence and mortality as these changes are being implemented and enforced, there will nonetheless be increased employment and fiscal benefits for doctors, nurses and EMS personnel, let alone police and cemetery workers.

There may be occasional accidents. Someone may see someone approaching who looks somewhat suspicious, and rather than take the risk of being right as to that approaching person's being dangerous, perhaps that someone pulls a fast one and shoots the person no longer approaching. Maybe there is a way to find forgiveness and dismissal in a court of law if a killer is merely confused.

After all is said and done, the gun rants and raves continue nonetheless. Meanwhile the deeper problems we face are fear and loathing.

Fritz Lyon is a writer and professional public relations pundit residing in Belfast.

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