Gray Matters - And a dump duck in a pine tree...

By Tanya Mitchell | Dec 19, 2013
Source: File image

Belfast — Editor's note: This column contains profanities and may be considered offensive by some readers.

By the time you all read this, Christmas Day will be just around the corner.

Because I lack the resources to get you all a nice gift as a token of my appreciation for your support over the past year, I thought perhaps it would be fun to give the gift of laughter, with just a hint of Maine humah.

Some of you may recall my writings from earlier this year, in which I celebrated the unique way us Mainers use the English language. I had a lot of fun looking back on some of the sayings that have always struck me as funny — particularly the occasional use of the term "mutha" to describe a long-standing female significant other and son-of-a-whore (or sons-a-whores), which seems to be useful to describe everything from bad drivers to how hard it's snowing outside ("It's snowing like a son-of-a-whore.").

I always chuckle a little when I hear someone utter this comment, because I never really understood how such a thing (or person) was capable of snowing, raining, or any other weather event.

But I guess that's sometimes the nontraditional beauty of Maine speak.

So I thought it might be fun to pen a new version of an old holiday favorite, with a whole lot of Waldo County woven in. I've always been partial to the comedic renditions of "The 12 Days of Christmas," so I figured I'd try my hand at making a few Maine-inspired changes, using such fun terms as "dump duck" (translation, "seagull").

For your reading enjoyment, I present the lyrics for "The 12 Days of Waldo County Christmas":

On the first day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

A dump duck in a pine tree.

On the second day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the third day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Three trucks on blocks, two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Four baked bean suppahs, three trucks on blocks, two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Five sons-a-whores!

Four baked bean suppahs, three trucks on block two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Six pack of beeyah,

Five sons-a-whores!

Four baked bean suppahs, three trucks on blocks, two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Seven sleds a-revving, six pack of beeyah,

Five sons-a-whores!

Four baked bean suppahs, three trucks on blocks, two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Eight mince meat pies, Seven sleds a-revving, six pack of beeyah,

Five sons-a-whores!

Four baked bean suppahs, three trucks on blocks, two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Nine ugly sweatahs, eight mince meat pies, seven sleds a-revving, six pack of beeyah,

Five sons-a-whores!

Four baked bean suppahs, three trucks on blocks, two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Ten rounds of buckshot, nine ugly sweatahs, eight mince meat pies, Seven sleds a-revving, six pack of beeyah,

Five sons-a-whores!

Four baked bean suppahs, three trucks on blocks, two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Eleven Walmaht gift cahds, ten rounds of buckshot, nine ugly sweatahs, eight mince meat pies, Seven sleds a-revving, six pack of beeyah,

Five sons-a-whores!

Four baked bean suppahs, three trucks on blocks, two flannel shirts and a dump duck in a pine tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas mutha gave to me,

Twelve pounds of lobstah, eleven Walmaht gift cahds, ten rounds of buckshot, nine ugly sweatahs, eight mince meat pies, Seven sleds a-revving, six pack of beeyah,

Five sons-a-whores!

Four baked bean suppahs, three trucks on blocks, two flannel shirts,

And a dump duck in a pine tree!

I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I hope this silly song at least made you smile. As much as it is a time of year to celebrate friends and family, I feel like it's also nice to celebrate where you come from, and poke a little fun at ourselves while we do that.

Here's to hoping all of us Maine-ahs have a wicked good holiday.

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