Movie Review, Cold Creek Manor starring Dennis Quaid and Sharon Stone
The DVD container of Cold Creek Manor describes it as “a living nightmare.” Dolores and I described it to each other as “a great spoof on horror flics.”
The most exciting part was my seeing what Dolores chose for our evening snack. Next on the list of excitement was Tom, our tom cat, when he climbed onto my lap for his evening snooze through a dumb movie and digging his claws into my legs as he snoozed.
The story is of a New York City couple, Cooper Tilson and his wife Leah, who move to the country to avoid New York City’s nuttiness. They purchase an old mansion for their new lifestyle, which begins their frightening adventures.
Our first criticism follows what my father used to say, most fiction tales include something really dumb that takes the tale onward. So, our question is, why would anyone buy a dilapidated old mansion to begin a new life? Answer, the old mansion provides a spooky center for the rest of the story.
Soon after they move in, weird things occur, such as the houseful of snakes that show up and scare the family a lot -- didn’t scare them quite to death. Another sad part, in our opinion, is when the bad guy kills the horse that had been given to one daughter as a gift. No actual harm came to any critters in the making of the movie, but it was still sad for us. We hate to see anything evil happen to critters, including to the mice that tantalize our cats.
The bad stuff was done by the previous owner of the house, who for some reason wanted it back again, although he had lost it because he couldn’t afford to keep it. The most realistic acting was by Stephen Dorff, who plays the bad guy.
The previous owner shows up out of the darkness of the weirdness, is fed by the new owners, then says he is broke and asks for a job. The job is helping refurbish the place, which he does. And which gives him the opportunity to plant the snakes and do in the poor innocent horse.
The one frightening scene to me was a barroom brawl in which the locals try to beat up Tilson. I’ve never seen a barroom brawl nor been in one, but it is scary to me to have a bunch of really crummy looking locals -- which is how locals are portrayed in movies like this -- beating up on the innocent guy from the city. There is also a frightening-looking waitress working at this place, who appears to be part of the villain crowd but who actually is not. She it tuns out is just a waitress. (She doesn’t even have a sex affair with our hero.)
The climax is when the bad guy has our two new homeowners trapped high on the mansion roof with plans to do them in, but he ends up falling several stories and is killed. These ending always avoid trivial stuff such as arrests and long trials before a jury, which could find him not guilty. (That would be a really scary end to this supposedly scary flic.)
The new homeowners then continue -- actually begin -- their dream of happily ever after in the country.
Amazon.com lists this one for one cent for a used copy up to $10 for the widescreen version. Their new-DVD price is $5.62. Our price was zero, as we brought it home from our town’s recycling center, where some other resident left it for “suckers” (meaning us) to find and take home.
Our next trip will see its return to the recycling center.
Called a “heart-pounding thriller” on the container, we called this Touchtone DVD a really funny movie. The container states that Larry King called it “A Terrific Thriller.” Whether he said that with the capital letters or not, I don’t know.
Dolores explained to me that at times good actors are required to complete a given number of movies to fulfill their contract. Not all those movies are winners. Too bad.
Milt Gross can be reached for corrections, harassment, or other purposes at email@example.com.
Milton M. Gross Copyright 2013