Here’s the ugly truth about Republican, 2nd-District congressional candidate Jason Levesque:

He earns his living making infomercials.

And he has a pine cone growing out of his head.

Let’s take that second problem first.

Levesque has been running a campaign ad on the Web site Pine Tree Politics (pinetreepolitics.com) showing a photo of the candidate with what appears to be a snow-covered pine cone bursting out of his skull.

I hope some campaign consultant doesn’t convince Levesque to have plastic surgery to make his head look normal. He’ll get way more votes with clear evidence there’s something in his cranium, even if it’s plant matter. He should also challenge his opponent, Democratic U.S. Rep. Michael Michaud, to open up his head for inspection, just to prove there isn’t a mini-John Martin controlling things from in there.

Now, about those infomercials. Levesque owns an Auburn company called Argo Marketing Group. Among his clients is a product called Rug Doctor (“Special TV Offer: Urine Eliminator only $19.99”). We can only hope this carpet physician isn’t in charge of the candidate’s health-care plan.

He also promotes the NuWave Oven (endorsed by a guy described as a “former ‘Bay Watch’ star,” although, since he’s not David Hasselhoff or Pamela Anderson, I don’t think that “star” title is entirely accurate).

And then there are his efforts on behalf of Paravol, a male enhancement pill that, according to its Web site, contains “horny goat weed.” The same company also makes a muscle-growth product called Anabolic Edge, so maybe Levesque’s candidacy will be getting endorsements from steroid sluggers like Mark McGwire. Considering all the stuff McGwire took, he could probably use some Paravol.

In any case, Levesque has kicked off his campaign with what a Jan. 21 press release called “The Blah Blah Tour.”

Aren’t they all?

Levesque’s staff later admitted that name was a mistake (it was supposed to have been “The Pine Cone Growing Out Of His Head Tour”), but the public reacted favorably to this outbreak of inadvertent honesty, so the candidate decided to keep the title.

Besides, Levesque knows something about blah blah. When he announced his run for office last June, half the lengthy release was taken up with his resume. He blathered on about how he was in the Key Club in high school, how his grandfather fought in World War II, how his great-grandfather was a “lumberman” – and how he was born in Baltimore.

Baltimore?

One of the dangers of blah blah is that sometimes you say more than you need to.

Another danger is you don’t say much of anything.

Although Levesque has been campaigning for nearly nine months, he still hasn’t given birth to any original ideas. Instead, he puts out stuff like this:

“We can make government work again, but we have to be willing to make the change. The career politicians have had their shot and they have failed. Its [sic] time we return the government to the people.”

And grammar to the grammarians.

Levesque never misses an opportunity to blame the incumbent congressman for the state’s ills:

“Mike Michaud doesn’t understand what it takes to invest in a community and meet a payroll. Instead, he foments anti-business rhetoric among working people, which only leads them down a slippery path to the unemployment office, creating a culture of dependency.”

Like Hugo Chávez. Only without the charisma.

Levesque has been critical of Michaud’s reluctant support of health-care reform, but a little skimpy on the details of his own plan to confront rising costs. He’s said he’d allow people to “cross state lines” to buy insurance, but he’d also restrict their right to sue for malpractice. He’d offer some kind of tax break for something. And he’d urge everybody to eat better by using a NuWave Oven.

“It is time we looked to find real reform that will help the people of Maine,” he said, “not reform that helps special interests and panders to party leadership.”

Good to know he won’t be listening to anyone in authority at the Republican Party.

To date, Levesque has been too much like the infomercials he makes. Lots of over-caffeinated exhortations. Lots of vague claims. Lots of blah blah.

How about some substance?

I’d like to know where Levesque stands on abortion. On reducing federal spending, even if it means Maine highways, defense contractors, schools and social service programs will get less money. On fishing regulations. On government subsidies for off-shore wind development. On same-sex marriage. On medical marijuana. On corporate donations to congressional candidates. On whether the Food and Drug Administration should be cracking down on male enhancement products.

In short, I’d like to know his position on almost anything other than that he thinks Mike Michaud is doing a lousy job.

Oh, and I’d like to know if he’s ever ingested “horny goat weed.”

E-mail me now at aldiamon@herniahill.net, and you’ll receive two witty replies for the price of one. You pay only separate postage and handling.