I have just finished conducting extensive scientific experiments that required me to wear a white lab coat, to order my deformed assistant to dig up corpses from fresh graves, and to combine common household chemicals in plastic soda bottles (which I inadvertently stored in my neighbors’ mailboxes, where police later reported numerous explosions causing considerable damage to several L.L. Bean catalogs – unfortunate accidents for which I was in no way responsible).

Nevertheless, the results of my tests are indisputable. According to my calculations, when it comes to the future economic well-being of the state of Maine, the following topics are of absolutely no importance:

Whether to teach creationism in public schools.

Democratic gubernatorial candidate Libby Mitchell’s age.

Whether Democrats are planning to run attack ads against independent gubernatorial candidate Eliot Cutler.

Whether Republicans are following the aforementioned Cutler around with a video camera.

Whether GOP gubernatorial candidate Paul LePage shows up for all the early debates.

Anything said by independent gubernatorial candidates Shawn Moody and Kevin Scott.

Whether the FBI ought to be called in to investigate the mailbox bombings.

Instead of devoting all their attention to these frivolous matters, the voters should be concentrating on the central issue in the race for the Blaine House.

Which is:

Are all the candidates complete friggin’ idiots?

“Yes,” said LePage, whose campaign later issued a clarification, indicating he actually meant, “No,” or possibly, “Maybe.”

I then might have asked LePage if he was in favor of combining common household chemicals in plastic soda bottles and leaving them in people’s mailboxes.

“No,” he said, although his campaign later issued a clarification indicating he actually meant to say, “Libby Mitchell is too old to be governor,” or, possibly, “Yes.”

LePage wasn’t the only candidate I pretended to grill with penetrating questions.

There was also this tense exchange with Mitchell:

Me: You told the Associated Press, “I’m someone who understands government, who makes sure the cuts are strategic and the investments are strategic, rather than just saying we’re going to cut state government. I don’t even know what that means.” To me, that quote – which, unlike all the others in this column, is real – sounds like you’re saying you’re going to raise taxes. Are you?

Mitchell: “LePage is going to raise taxes, too, to pay for Creationist courses in public schools.”

Her campaign later issued a clarification indicating that the candidate might have misspoken because she’s a senior citizen and a little ditsy. The Mitchell people then suggested I go out and shake my mailbox real hard before looking inside.

Me: Is it true you’re planning to run ads claiming that during the two years Eliot Cutler spent in China, he had a microchip implanted in his head that compelled him to return to America intent on destroying democracy and capitalism?

Mitchell: “No, but we are giving away copies of the poster for the movie ‘The Manchurian Candidate’ with Cutler’s face Photoshopped in.”

Her campaign later issued a clarification indicating the posters weren’t from the 1962 original version of the film, but from the dreadful 2004 remake. Cutler’s campaign then issued a statement pointing out that he wasn’t even in China in 2004 and did not have a microchip implanted until “sometime in 2007 or 2008.”

Obviously, I was going to have to fake an interview with Cutler, just to be fair to everybody. Except those insignificant dweebs, Moody and Scott.

Me: You’re being sued for billions of dollars by investors in a bankrupt mortgage company you helped direct. You keep engaging in paranoid rants about how your opponents are plotting against you. You’ve spent less time in Maine in the past decade than the Asian long-horned beetle. You’ve got a personality that makes Michael Vick’s pit bulls look cuddly. Why am I getting a Donald Trump vibe?

Cutler: “It’s probably my weird hair. I comb it like that to cover the scar where the Chinese implanted the microchip.”

His campaign later issued a clarification indicating Cutler combs his hair that way because he thinks it makes him look more like a lifelong independent, instead of the Democrat he really was. The microchip scar is actually behind his left ear.

Me: How can you win the governor’s race with all that baggage?

Cutler: “Nobody pays attention to any of it. They’re too busy arguing about whether LePage will show up at the next debate and if he does whether he’ll be armed with a soda bottle full of common household chemicals.”

Maybe that’s the whole problem with this gubernatorial campaign. Voters such as yourself are easily distracted by angry white men carrying explosives and other insignificant crap.

You don’t believe that’s true?

You read this whole column, didn’t you?

Combustible comments can be sealed in plastic bottles and sent to me. Or you can just e-mail them to aldiamon@herniahill.net.