Welcome to the 2012 Republican Party caucus for the town of East Abunni, Maine. As you know, we’re not convening our caucus within the restrictive time limits set by the state party, because the citizens of East Abunni have never liked being ordered around by one-world-government types. Besides, holding a caucus in early February conflicts with our celebration of Christmas.

The first item on the agenda that was prepared by our executive committee, which consists of me and two other civic-minded citizens — who couldn’t be here today because they were killed in a tragic fireworks-related accident during the Fourth of July celebration last November — is a resolution, which I’ll read.

“Resolved, that the Republican Caucus of East Abunni calls upon the GOP State Committee to take action against party chairman Charlie Webster by having him drawn and quartered for the following offenses:

“Failing to include the aforementioned town’s presidential straw poll results in his statewide total due to the lame excuse that we hadn’t held our caucus yet.

“Announcing questionable straw poll results that favored Mitt Romney, a known Democrat, over Ron Paul, an acknowledged whackjob, and Rick Santorum, a hysterical campaigner against birth control, abortion and sex between consenting adults.

“Attempting to excuse his many faults by pointing out how he recruited excellent candidates for the party in the last election, developed a solid strategy for winning legislative seats and raised loads of money to pay for campaigns, as if any of that were more important than compiling complete and satisfactory results of a nonbinding poll of party extremists, most of whom have never been to a caucus before and are doubtful participants in any such future event, because they don’t like being told they have to be at a certain place at a certain time, particularly if it interferes with Mother’s Day.”

All those in favor? It’s unanimous.

Next up is the selection of delegates to the state convention, which is scheduled for May and may conflict with local observances of Veterans Day and the Stay-The-Course-In-Vietnam Rally. So if you aren’t willing to pass up those events, please don’t nominate yourself.

As in past years, East Abunni’s delegate count has been apportioned based on the number of registered Republicans per capita, which works in our favor this time around. All eight people in town are card-carrying members of the GOP, ever since those Republicans In Name Only moved to Bangor to be nearer their own kind. You know, the ones with “Re-elect Olympia Snowe” bumperstickers who’d been overheard speaking favorably of Eisenhower and Lincoln.

Probably relatives of Charlie Webster’s.

Anyway, that means we qualify for one-half of a delegate.

Two years ago, we sent Perley Chumbucket to the convention, but he was only credentialed from the waist down, so he had to lie in the doorway of the Portland Expo with his upper half out in the rain. Perley’s still sore about that and said he wasn’t going to be a candidate for the job in 2012.

Also, we need half an alternate delegate. If it was the same person as the half delegate, the two halves might be able to sneak onto the convention floor together. Unless they’re both bottoms.

Anyway, it’s important we send somebody who can represent our views on the party platform, particularly to show support for planks against one-world government, Sharia law and the unconstitutional federal income tax. Because those are the crucial issues for folks here in East Abunni.

Nominations? Shubb Dithersalot is nominated and seconded. I’ve checked the rules and can find nothing that excludes him from being a half delegate just because he died in that fireworks accident. In fact, it makes ol’ Shubb an even better choice, because he won’t go changing his mind when exposed to any facts. Also, he won’t complain about reclining there with his upper torso in the parking lot.

Finally, it’s time for this caucus’s main event, the presidential straw poll. Before we cast our ballots, it’s important to remind everyone that while there are many criteria to consider in making your choices for the most important office in the land, the one that we as Republicans should never take into account is electability. If we start down that primrose path, we’re just going to end up with the likes of Snowe and Susan Collins in the Senate, Paul LePage in the Blaine House and GOP majorities in the Legislature.

That’s the kind of Republican Party Charlie Webster wants.

But it’s not what we grassroots fruitcakes stand for. So don’t let a little racism, sexism, homophobia, religious intolerance, perverted 19th century moral values or a grasp of science equivalent to that of serfs in the Middle Ages stop you from voting with your gut.

And please hurry up. Because as soon as this caucus adjourns, it’s officially Easter in East Abunni. No matter what the one-world-government calendar says.

Hop to it and email comments to aldiamon@herniahill.net.