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  • Published
    May 31, 2012

    Not your kind of people

    If you’re an independent, you know that one of the advantages of not belonging to a political party is that you don’t have to help choose the U.S. Senate nominees for the Republicans and Democrats from a list of retreads, reactionaries, rejects and rectums. Of the 10 people seeking the nominations, three and a half could be considered marginally qualified. Three and a half are utterly unqualified, but no more …

  • Published
    May 24, 2012

    Got no plans

    Welcome to the Channel 9 News Noodle. I’m Kootie McDoof. Tonight, we’ll have live coverage of a teenager from Scarborough who’s sprouted a pimple that looks like Ed Muskie. And just before a big date, too. Also, we’ll show you part seven of our investigative report on sleazy practices in the futures market for garden gnomes. And there’ll be the usual video of blood-splattered crime scenes, auto accidents and …

  • Published
    May 17, 2012

    Never mind the bollocks

    In the wake of its chaotic state convention, the Maine Republican Party has cleverly positioned itself to appeal to a whole new segment of the public: Anarchists. While the straight-laced GOP might seem like an unattractive option for shaggy bomb-throwers with poor personal hygiene, there appears to be some common ground. On the convention floor, supporters of presidential candidate Ron Paul were heard …

  • Published
    May 10, 2012

    It just don’t pay

    The only thing worse than taxes is tax breaks. That seems as contradictory as Newt Gingrich saying fundamentalist Muslims are trying to turn the United States into a country of atheists. But unlike much of what Newt says, there’s a rational basis for my contention. The amount we’re taxed by state and local governments isn’t determined solely by how much those entities spend. The tax rate is also influenced by …

  • Published
    May 3, 2012

    The price you pay

    Debt is a fundamental part of American life. Car payments. Mortgages. Partially unpaid bills from irate Colombian hookers. In that way, the state of Maine is much like you or me. Except it has a lot more debt — about $1 billion — owed mostly to bankers and investment houses, but also to Quebec, New Brunswick and New Hampshire for sexual favors. What? You thought they were just cuddling with us because they liked …

  • Published
    April 26, 2012

    Ordinary people

    Democracy is a messy system of government. Its basic tenets encourage the ignorant masses to react based on emotional appeals, thereby overwhelming the reasoned judgments of the educated elite. This produces such contradictory results as the resounding defeats of several measures that would have put limits on Maine government’s ability to tax the populace and the election of anti-tax Republican Paul LePage as …

  • Published
    April 19, 2012

    No obligations

    There are two types of people who routinely ignore state laws:1. Criminals.2. Legislators.The criminals have an excuse. By definition, it’s almost impossible to practice such crafts as theft, embezzlement and drug-dealing without violating a statute or two.In contrast, legislators usually engage in lawbreaking simply because they can get away with it.For example, back in 2004, Maine voters approved a referendum …

  • Published
    April 12, 2012

    Strike down the heathen

    “There is no basis in nature for a right to sodomy,” Michael Heath told the Associated Press in March. I assume monkeys, dogs and other animals known to engage in this practice will take note and reform their perverted ways. But considering the source, probably not. You may remember Heath as the ousted executive director of the Christian Civic League of Maine. He’s now one of the founders of a political action …

  • Published
    April 7, 2012

    Magic money

    It’s fun to pretend there are supernatural solutions to our problems. Such as: Beating the rising cost of gasoline with electric cars that don’t carry a lifetime cost higher than the average congressional race, not to mention serious environmental problems in disposing of worn-out batteries. Providing affordable health care to everyone in a way that doesn’t bankrupt the government, the medical industry, the …

  • Published
    March 16, 2012

    Little king

    Problem solved. Picking the next U.S. senator from Maine is a no-brainer, now that independent Angus King is officially in the race. Here’s a guy that everybody from the wackiest Tea Party fruitcake to the most zoned-out Occupy Maine flower child can support. Because unlike the gridlock-loving candidates of the major parties, this man espouses beliefs that are not only in line with the furthest extremes of …

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