Cats are useless

By Dan Dunkle | Jan 17, 2017
"What? Did you not want me in the dishwasher?"

In my home, I have not one, but two cats.

These cats have all of their claws.

About 90 percent of their time is spent sleeping. Most of the rest of their lives are divided evenly between blinking and grooming their nether regions. They also find a few minutes every day to climb into the sink, get up on the table and counters, trip us as we go down the stairs and distribute kitty litter evenly across the floor. Typical cat stuff.

I was under the impression that killing mice, or at least scaring mice, was also typical cat stuff.

However, the other day, when Christine found evidence that our crumbs are indeed big enough for the other Whos' mouses, guess who had to deal with it? I passed my indolent felines as they lazed on their thrones in the living room to attend to smearing peanut butter on traps.

This morning my daughter was very excited to report we had a confirmed strike on our target.

I deposited the trap and its fuzzy victim into the kitchen trash.

When Wesley got home from school this afternoon, I called him on his cell and told him I had accidentally thrown away a notebook I needed for a news story. My plan was to get him to root around in the trash and find the dead mouse and be horrified.

This is called parenting.

Anyway, it didn't work. Christine had already warned him. My take-away? Don't tell Christine next time I'm planning a prank! So the story has a lesson. The other lesson is don't poop in my cupboards if you don't want to end up in a trash bag.

I told Christine after finding out I had been foiled, "No one likes a rat."

And the cats slept on.

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