Point

Conquering climate change: Time to kill the cows?

By Randall Poulton | Jun 06, 2019

According to some scientists, the final straw for humanity will be a fart. Well, not just one. But a collective cloud of flatulence emitted from the tailpipes of cows. The Global Warming Crowd (GWC), claims there is no time to lose — the cow farting has to stop! Accordingly, the entire herd of cud chewing, farting bovines is now in their cross-hairs.

It would be interesting to know what percent of the GWC are also vegans. Could it be a lack of animal protein has impacted their brain development? But I digress.

The “kill the cows” movement started when freshman Congresswoman, and defacto leader of the Democratic party, AOC, rolled out her Green New Deal. After the first “no meat for you” version was roundly rejected for being too vegetarian, the GWC now promises “if you like your hamburger, you can keep your hamburger.” Somehow, their assurance rings a bit hollow.

How did we get to the point where our Congress actually thinks killing cows is the way to save the Earth? One possibility is, since Donald Trump loves his hamburger, Democrats automatically want to ban it. Or, could it be, killing cows is just the next “logical” step in mankind’s reshaping of the environment? Consider the following:

In the early 1800s, cowboys, the earliest members of the GWC, set about exterminating our aboriginal fart machine: the American Bison. The vast herd was quickly reduced from around 100 million to near extinction. With the air cleared, the Wild West was won and millions of people, on horseback, flocked to California.

The 19th century could be called the Age of the Horse. Virtually everyone either rode a horse or traveled in a wagon pulled by a team of horses. The results were not pretty.

Have you ever taken a ride in a horse-drawn carriage? Everyone should. Once. From your seat you will have the perfect vantage point to see, hear and smell all things horse. It is not pleasant. Particularly on a hot, humid summer evening. By the late 1800s, many streets were ankle-deep in the tailpipe emissions of horses.

Then, in 1908, Henry Ford’s Model T did to horses what the cowboys had done to the buffalo. The age of the automobile was here and the odor of horse flatulence was soon in the rear-view mirror. Earth was saved. Again.

The next environmental threat started innocently enough, when the fairer sex discovered electric washers and dryers reduced laundry day to just a few minutes. Homebound, and now with time on their hands, women flocked, en masse, to daytime television and the titillation of soap operas. The dominoes continued falling: Overheated homemakers demanded air conditioning; TV dinners were served; electric bills soared. America needed electricity — lots of it. America had coal — lots of it. The rest, as they say, is history.

The final domino fell in the farm fields of Bethel, New York. The fairer sex suddenly realized what they really wanted was…sex! In the early days of the sexual revolution, the bedroom was often a paisley painted van or the backseat of a car. Sex sells. Cars starting flying out of showrooms. Women were liberated and a car was their magic carpet. It was to be a short ride.

Suddenly there was smog. The mixture of smoke from burning bras, car exhaust, coal stack emissions and marijuana fouled the air of many cities. Unable to see the big screen at the local drive-in (where many children of the day were conceived), the citizenry finally rose up. The GWC put down the peace pipe and began looking for something to kill. Big Coal was their first target. But blood lust is not easily sated.

Enter our modern cowboys, led by the remarkable AOC and her plan to round up the farting cows. According to the Green New Deal, bean eaters shall inherit the Earth. No beef for you!

Epilog, the year 2080: The Green New Deal initially was a success. It even inspired a musical genre with hit songs like “Beans, Beans the Musical Fruit” and all-time favorite “Beans, Beans, they’re good for the Heart.”

The first sign of problems arose in the Senate. Visitors to the august chamber complained the place smelled like a barnyard. Upon investigation, the EPA determined that senators, including AOC, now 93 years old, need to stop eating beans.

After further study, it turned out the bean-rich diet of the 200 million American citizens, plus the over 300 million illegal aliens inhabiting the USA, was producing more methane than the cows ever did!

Randall Poulton writes a column for The Republican Journal. He lives in Winterport.


Comments (2)
Posted by: Richard McKusic, Sr. | Jun 07, 2019 06:26

Thanks for the reminder, Eric. Home baked beans, Kirschner's franks, biscuits topped off with a cold glass of milk: Classic New England style Saturday night supper. Still is here at the McQ6 homestead. Maybe that's why they call church seats a "pew".



Posted by: Eric Schrader | Jun 07, 2019 05:21

There is that old lyric that goes "beans, beans, they're good for your heart, the more your eat, the more you fart, the more fart, the better you feel, then you're ready for another bean meal".



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