Saving the heifer and the truth about cow farting

By Reade Brower | Jun 06, 2019

Randy, the idea of cow farting as the final straw that breaks the camel’s back (I bet camels fart a lot) with our collective fight against global warming is a real gasser. Perhaps we should create a task force to study the issue first, before sending in the butchers.

Sending diplomats to the Middle East to negotiate a camel population control agreement would be timely; getting the international community behind this feels important. We may find the farting problem exaggerated and advocating exterminating our cows “overkill” in a society "inflatulated" with regulations.

They might find cow farting, as a danger to our society, doesn’t amount to anything more than a “hill of beans”; cow huggers must unite and fight the left in saving the species.

Democratic Congresswoman AOC’s “Green New Deal” hit a chord with some voters, creating quite a flap between the right and left wings of our political institutions. As an independent, the timing seems right to take the bull by the horns and tackle this head-on.

For our children and grandchildren’s future, we must figure how to cut and eliminate greenhouse gas emissions if we want to save our world — but killing cows as the answer? Let’s not be too hasty.

The million-dollar question becomes: Do we need to murder our cows, putting them out to their final pastures, or is there a more humane approach?

When looking at the challenge put out by AOC — “We set a goal of net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren’t sure that we’ll be able to fully get rid of farting cows and airplanes that fast” — we can see the depth of the problem and how it stinks to be us.

When sticking with the facts, the non-binding resolution (Green New Deal) doesn’t give a whiff of information on specifics on how to reduce the methane emissions that threaten our environment, leaving one head-scratching on how to proceed, while unfortunately pointing the finger at our bovine population. (Perhaps instead of pointing the finger, pulling the finger might be a better way to release the cow gas in a controlled way, training and teaching our cow population that evicting gas is privilege, not a right, and needs regulation.)

While the Environmental Protection Agency tells us methane makes up 10 percent of the greenhouse gas emissions that cause global warming, putting some of the blame squarely on cows, it must be noted that most methane emissions from cows come from their burps, not their farts.

President Trump believes global warming is a “hoax” and “fake news” refutes science. But he does his part in promoting our cow population by lauding McDonald’s, and instead of a “chicken in every pot,” he hails his favorite food encouraging “Big Macs for all.” But, does this bring us closer to “making America great again”?

What we need is less killing and more research like the 2014 study that looked at why some sheep breeds burped and farted more than others. This could lead to what AOC and many of her Democrat partners want, lawmakers legislating and creating more regulations and taxes on our farmers.

Burping as the problem, excuse me, but studies show more methane is emitted burping than farting because of their plant diet, which is difficult for a cow to digest. Cows have a four-chamber stomach that allows them to chew and regurgitate, then chew again before swallowing and ingesting their cud into their stomach to complete the digestive process. The microbes that live in the digestive tract create the methane that contributes to global warming.

Let the cows be; as a younger boy, I watched as cows were allowed to graze fields in relative peace, except for the infrequent guy-sport of “cow-tipping” that had some cows on edge, needing Prozac. Young lads, many with “liquid courage,” would enter pastures when cows were sleeping, then charge them with the intent of pushing them over, before running away.

The indignity of the 1970s has been replaced, almost 50 years later, with a leftist movement to destroy the species. Let’s hope lawmakers find their senses and a kinder way to deal with the issue of climate change; if making America Great Again means cow killing, count me out.

“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between does what he wants to do.” — Bob Dylan, singer/songwriter (b. 1941)

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